The Chickie Sammy Challenge

It isn’t a challenge, but Chickie Sammy Taste Test isn’t a good title. I just bought chicken sandwiches from a few fast food places and tried them all. Below are my very important thoughts.

First, story and set-up. The McChicken is the best thing on the McDonald’s menu. If you disagree, that’s okay— you’re just wrong. It’s only $1 and probably the only thing capable of making warm mayo palatable. My buddy Zach agrees, so in the interest of science we decided to narrow down the best bang-for-your-buck McChicken-class sandwich.

A few nights ago we went to McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King and ordered the cheapest chicken sandwich from each place, then ate and ranked them accordingly. The contenders: McDonald’s tried and true McChicken, the King’s Chicken Jr., and Dave’s Wendy’s Chicken Sandwich. In order to keep things fair, we organized a highly complex method of ordering the sammies. I had the car, so I dropped Zach off at Wendy’s, made the Burger King run, and then we met up at the McDonald’s across the street. All sammies were purchased within 5 minutes of each other, meaning none were old or cold, and all were consumed at the same time, meaning memory was fresh for each.

Overall, the results were interesting. McDonald’s really came out swinging. The McChicken is a culinary masterpiece. A perfect food. Wendy’s, on the other hand, was a complete and utter disappointment. Now, I try not to get political on this blog, but Wendy’s is to food what forklifts are also to food. It isn’t. The Wendy’s chickie sammie is a sadness food, just a mish-mash of soft bread and chicken patty that makes me think “wow, this isn’t very good and also I am going to die one day.” Burger King’s Chicken Jr. was a fun surprise, however. It was $1.19, but the bun came adorned with seeds of the sesame. The trade-off meant a net zero gain to me.

The winner, however, was something thus far unmentioned. A surprise dark horse. Dark chicken. You see, below the deepest dungeon of the Burger King’s castle there exists a secret library filled with forbidden knowledge. Hidden amongst the books is a round table akin to the table of King Arthur of legend. Seated around said table are various knights from all over the Kingdom of Burger. These knights make up the King’s cabinet, and as such are responsible for the inception of some of the Kingdom’s most interesting and unique creations. Sometimes they really put their heads together and create something truly unique and special, like chicken fries or the impossible whopper. And sometimes they say “hey let’s put spicy sauce on the Chicken Jr.”

Let me tell you— that was a good decision. The Spicy Chicken Jr. is just a Chicken Jr. but spicy, something I cannot believe no other quick service restaurants have thought of. It’s so simple, but so magical.

The rankings ended up as follows:

1. The Spicy Chicken Jr.

2. The McChicken

3. The Chicken Jr.

4. Wendy’s Mistake

Anyway, for those of you that celebrate something this time of year, happy holidays. For those of you that don’t, happy Wendesday.

Five Podcasts Worth Your Ears’ Time or Sorry I Made a Listacle

If you know me, you know I have a not-so-secret love for podcasts, and as such there has been a significant lack of podcast-related content on this website. As one of the leading contributors to the blog, I recently took it upon myself to compile a list of (what I believe to be) the best lesser-known (read: not Serial) podcasts out there, in no particular order.

Also, my roommate is probably about to take a seven-hour drive to Memphis sometime in the next couple weeks, and he’s probably going to ask me for podcast recommendations like he always does. This one is for you, Joseph.

1. My Brother, My Brother, And Me

My Brother, My Brother, and Me (also known as MBMBaM) is the flagship show from Justin, Travis and Griffin McElroy. It consists of the brothers McElroy dishing out very funny, massively ineffective advice to listener-question-submitters and the ten people that still use Yahoo Answers. As oldest-brother Justin would say: “an advice show for the modern era.” Check out this podcast if you like to be happy, or want to avoid the crushing despair that comes bundled free with your subscription to life.

2. Do By Friday

Most of you have probably heard of Cards Against Humanity. It’s the game you played on your laptop instead of paying attention in AP English sophomore year of high school. Do By Friday pits the game’s foremost creator, Max Temkin, against two other hosts (Merlin Mann and Alex Cox) in a battle to better themselves. The show centers around a weekly challenge which the hosts must complete by (you guessed it) Friday. The hosts are the main draw of the show; Max, Merlin, and Alex is one of the funniest combinations in the podcast world. Listen if you stay up at night because you once read an article about how there exists a genetic disorder that causes you to develop more and more severe insomnia until you eventually die of sleep deprivation, and you can’t sleep because you think you might have it, and the fact that you aren’t sleeping is a pretty good sign you do have it, and no, your parents didn’t have it, but maybe it’s recessive?

3. The Adventure Zone

Another McElroy show, The Adventure Zone is a Dungeons and Dragons live-play podcast starring the three brothers from MBMBaM and their fan-favorite father, Clint. It’s one of the few podcasts that can make me break composure in public, which is in turn the reason why the one guy who would talk to me in my freshman year math class moved seats across the lecture hall. The show has just started its third season, making now a perfect time to jump in, but do yourself a favor and start from the beginning. Listen if you like good story telling and boy detectives, but hate trains and gardens.

4. Fantasy Fiction

Fantasy Fiction is an oldie but a goodie. Josh Henderson and Dominic Moschitti spend each week writing fantasy short stories and then read them to each other on the show. The writing is about on par with a thirteen-year-old who just finished The Fellowship of The Ring and has a notes app on his iPod Touch and too much time on his hands, but boy is it funny. The show is inactive now, but there’s plenty of episodes out there. Be warned: Fantasy Fiction isn’t on Spotify, but if you use Spotify to listen to podcasts you’re already lost.

5. You’re Wrong About

You’re Wrong About hosts Michael Hobbes and Sarah Marshall research and discuss past events and people the public has miscast. Past topics have been: the Satanic Panic of the 1980s, the Clinton impeachment, and the OJ Simpson trial. This is the show you should listen to in order to expedite the fallout of every one of your friendships due to you constantly correcting people on the most minute details of acid rain. For Joseph: there’s an episode about Enron.

Anyway, enough ranting. Check out a couple of these shows the next time you have to do some mindless task, or the next time you take an Aer Lingus flight, because I can guarantee your entertainment screen will be broken, and oops, they lost your baggage too, and the pilot decided to do some gymnastics in the air and you spilled your drink all over yourself and now you’re all sticky. The last time I flew Aer Lingus was 2016. No I’m not still bitter.

The Food City ValueCard Mystery — Part One

I just recently I managed to nab myself quite the hot commodity. The most prestigious of plastics. The Cadillac of grocery reward cards, you might say; I managed to get a Food City ValueCard. But it came at a price. Not a monetary one, no. Rather, my Food City ValueCard came, free with no extra charge, my own personal albatross. It hangs heavy on my neck, ever urging me to liberate myself from its incessant weight.

“What price did you pay for your Food City ValueCard” I hear each and every one of you say. I paid the price of responsibility. You see, upon my acquisition of my ValueCard, I discovered a line of corruption that goes all the way to the top of the Food City Empire.

image: foodcity.com

First though, let’s start from the beginning. For those of you who don’t know, I am lucky enough to live minutes away from a Food City (please do not use this information to compromise my OPSEC; I have two very tall roommates who will defend my person). This means I often shop at said Food City. For this reason, just a few months ago I found myself needing the prestigious Food City ValueCard.

No problem, right? I'll head on over and ask for one at checkout. Right? Wrong. You see, when I tried this plan of attack, I was given some bad news.

“We don’t have any,” said the kind girl checking me out. A shame, but no problem. I would get one next time I was in a Food City.

Flash forward a few weeks, and I’m getting a few things not at my usual Food City, but one across town.

“Can I get a card?”

“We don’t have any.”

Hm. How very strange. Still, not a huge problem. There must be a shortage. I’ll grab one NEXT time I go shopping.

Flash forward yet again to just a few days ago. My roommate and I make our way to a third Food City. It is very late. We desperately need a sweet treat. We land on cookie dough. It’s an excellent choice. We make our way to check out.

“Can we grab a Food City card?”

“Sorry, we’re all out.”

I couldn’t handle myself. My razor-sharp journalistic instincts kicked in; something fishy was happening here. I confront the cashier, an older woman.

“Are you really out, or is it just hard to do?” I ask, thinking that $8 an hour is too little to motivate this poor woman to scan in a card for us.

To my surprise, she sighs and wordlessly makes her way to some back office, returning with what is now my treasured Food City ValueCard. She tells me that some unnamed “They” instruct her to tell customers that she’s fresh out of cards every time anyone asks.

Why? She gives no reason.

As an investigative journalist and, more importantly, a content creator for such a high-profile website, I feel it is my responsibility to get to the bottom of this mystery. What is Food City hiding from the public, aside from ValueCards? Why do Food City higher-ups demand employees lie to customers? Will I one day be able to sell my card for millions on eBay?

These are the questions I will be answering in upcoming posts. Stay tuned for updates.