Food Crime - 2 - Pizza Hut’s Bad Decision
Pizza Hut recently used their dark tricks to combine two things I love into a horrible amalgamation of despair and sadness, then they made me eat it and spend my extremely valuable time writing about it.
Introducing Food Crime entry number two: the Pizza Hut Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza.
A couple weeks ago I got a text from Zach where in which he informed me that Pizza Hut had somehow combined Cheez-Its and pizza into a new and exciting square. This was a move I was sure could not possibly, in this universe or any other, go right.
With that mindset, we headed over to our local Pizza Hut a few days later and gave it a try ourselves.
Before we get into the review, however, let’s break down the name of this excruciating rectangle of “food.” The Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza. Stuffed it was, it’s basically a crust filled with cheese and, should you request it, pepperoni. That’s right— Pizza Hut will let you order a loose crust filled with melted mozzarella. That’s gotta be mentioned somewhere in the Geneva Conventions, right? Cheez-It? Not really. It’s shaped like a Cheez-It, which is more than I, as someone who made the decision to consume such a thing out of my own free will, probably deserves. The taste, however was NOT very Cheez-It-y, but more on that later.
Pizza? Well, that’s interesting. See, Pizza Hut obviously considers the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza a pizza; it’s right in the name, after all. However, the only connection the Cheez-It Pizza has to actual pizza is, on the base model at least, mozzarella cheese. That means that, according to Pizza Hut, anything with mozzarella on it is a pizza, which is a terrifying idea.
The taste was something I like to imagine one day I will forget. It was like someone at Pizza Hut HQ decided to make a sad apple pie, but had to substitute Cheez-Its for its graham cracker crust, but then maybe it started storming and the thunder scared the employee? Or maybe it was fireworks? Either way they obviously got confused and ended up using cheese instead of apples and forgot what a pie is shaped like so they used a Hot Pocket for reference, basically ending up with a mushy Cheez-It sleeping bag for hot cheese, which they decided to just seal up and call it a day. Then, my guess is, their head cleared and they decided to quit and move states, but unfortunately they left their shame on a counter or something, and some executive found it and thought something along the lines of “I sure am tired of eating pizza for lunch everyday,” so they threw away their Italian sub and munched down on the first ever glorified Cheez-It flavored Hot Pocket, which then refueled said exec’s love of “pizza” so much they decided to share this new creation with the public, as if merely selling Pizza Hut pizza wasn’t punishment enough for the masses.
You know what really shakes me to my core, though? It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Sure, the marinara dipping sauce was so sugary that it tasted like the pizza sauce from a Lunchables, but the square itself wasn’t overly horrible. Sure, Cheez-Its and pizza separately are both better than Pizza Hut’s bad square, but it didn’t revolt me quite like the Burger King Taco did. More than anything, the worst part of the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza is that it was allowed to exist. Its mere presence on the same plane of existence as me is an insult to everything I stand for, which is why I hate it so much.
Anyway, the final score comes out to 7/10. Pizza Hut really set out to make something horrible, they just forgot to make it quite bad enough. Maybe that’s just impossible to do with anything pizza-related, though. If nothing else, the Stuffed Cheez-It Pizza sets the bar low enough that I really am interested to see what Pizza Hut decides to do next.